You haven't heard me say much about this, mostly because this is what I'm doing instead of writing in my blog these days. For three months, I've been using all my morning hours in Lafayette studying for the GRE. My plan has been to apply to grad school in January. Grad school, you say? Yes. I found a program in Nutrition Science at Purdue, with a potential to take a customized track to become a registered dietician. True, I'm not only switching fields; I'm switching sides of brain, which means that in order to meet all the requirements for admission into the program, I'd need to take so many classes, I'd be making a 2-year program into a 5-year one. Which sucks. But I'm like, hey, I might be 35 by the time I actually get started in my career, but at least I know where I'm headed now, right?
Nope.
I decided not to take the GRE. Which means I'm not going to grad school. Which means I don't know what I'm going to do instead. Which means I have no direction for the rest of my life. Which means I have less direction now than I did when I was 18 years old.
I decided, after killing myself over this thing for three months, that I am not only NOT closer to ready, I'm worse. I'm going backwards. I've tried memorizing 500 vocab words (which I did, and, mysteriously, managed to do progressively worse on every vocab practice test). I've bought a math workbook and checked out at least three math-for-dummies types from the library and spent 80+ hours studying math alone and have gone from scoring 12/20 to 3-6/20.
At this point, you may be thinking of your own experience taking the GRE. You're probably thinking, oh, honey. It's okay. It's going to get better. Take a rest, call a friend, whatever. Thanks for the sentiment, but unfortunately, it's not going to work today. I don't have a background in science. Do you know how silly my application is going to look to the sciences already when they see my BA (not BS, btw) is in professional writing? I have two sciences on my transcript, neither of which I scored higher than a C. I don't only need a kick-butt GRE score to get in; I need to kill it in math, specifically.
I almost threw in the towel last week, but I discovered a new section in my workbook and thought it might save me. I'm in section 3 out of, like, 25, and if I were to proceed, I would be on section three for the next week. That means I'll be studying for this test for 22 more weeks. I've already been studying for 12, and apparently (according to the experts), you're not supposed to study much longer than that. So. If this is how the GRE's going, can I really expect much more out of five years of chemistry?
Consider me weeded out. I feel confused; I feel like a wasted life; I feel angry and hopeless and directionless. I've never been afraid to turn 30, but wasn't I supposed to have decided what I want to be when I grow up, like, at least by then? I never expected myself to "get there" or anything by 30, but...?! Come on. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. I don't even know why I'm here.
Don't say it's because I'm a mom. Sure there's no better job BLAH BLAH BLAH. Yes, there is. And I've been looking for it for ten years. Apparently, I'm not allowed. I'm allowed to be a body that reproduces, and that is all.
Congratulations, Maura. You're a uterus.
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ReplyDeleteVocations come in a multitude of waves throughout the trajectory of our lives. Our gifts that we see as the potential for a vocation inspire us to action and motivate us to a radical change. However, as beautiful as all that sounds it is rare that all the other pieces fit into place for us to utilize and develop these gifts/vocations all at once. We struggle through the many joys, fears, our limitations and hopes we have. Often times not everything aligns quite how we hope it to. Then it strikes us, what is our passion really? Why is it being held back? Could it be that I am setting the restrictions on it? Could it be that I am setting its parameters for success?
ReplyDeleteI don't really know Maura. I can't say that I will ever understand the unraveling of our choices/vocations or the freewill that God imparts on us to let us co-create alongside Him in this life. Personally I often forget God in the process: in the frustration, the disappointment, the revealing, defeated and inspired moments. I forget the God that longs to be in relationship and to wrestle it out. I forget this God that is Eros(deepest desire or passionate love) in our lives. I ask myself this question often these days. In the unraveling of my gifts and vocations am I being invited by a passionate God to reconsider my M.O.? To reconsider how I see myself in the relationship and how I see the Other in it?
I am stuck in much the same place concerning my own vocation. Some days the ditch of confusion is not as deep as other but I’m still in it. I have no answers and often feel discouraged in these last three years. I feel stripped of my value and my purpose. I can also say that trusting or being hopeful are about the worst things anyone could recommend to me. I have been trusting and hopeful! I have been attentive and dedicated! I guess unraveling our many gifts, careers and vocations must be likened to what Winston Churchill said once, “if your going through hell, keep going.”
Thank you for sharing. One gift that I see here is that your words are a ministry.
Thinking of you and your fam. Sending you my prayers. Blessings…
Thank you, Frank. Beautifully said, and comforting to hear! Thanks!
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