Three

Tomorrow is William's 3rd birthday.

I've been asked a few times if we were planning all kinds of fun events, what kind of cake we're having at the party, what friends were invited, etc. The answer was no, none, and none of them. It doesn't sound like much of a way to celebrate, without friends and hats and noisemakers, but it was perfect for him. Just what he wanted.

It consisted of me, Nora, a friend of mine from college who happened to be visiting, and a brief surprise appearance from Daddy, who was overseeing the moving-in of freshmen today and not expected to be home before 9:30 pm. We ate William's favorite dinner, spinach lasagna made with rice noodles, pureed beans, and spinach sauteed with onions and garlic. We stuck a candle in gluten-free, dairy-free (though you'd never know it) peach-blueberry cobbler. He liked watching it. Wasn't so happy when we blew it out. He asked for more, more, and more, until we were certain he wouldn't fall asleep until next Wednesday, and then we cleaned off his blueberry-purple face and put that (surprise!) droopy boy in bed.

That's how a birthday celebration should feel to a kid, if you ask me. Who cares how you get there, right?

We didn't really do cards, because he doesn't much understand them. Well, my grandparents sent a card with monkeys on it that opens up and screams, "ooooh oooh ahhhahhah!" like a monkey. That's the only exception, I think, because it was awesome. But, anyway, I'm posting my card here, because although it's not today, he'll understand it someday.

My son is special. His brokenness is both heartbreaking and beautiful in perfection. I hate what has happened to him, and I'm never going to stop wondering what responsibility I had in his suffering. But on his birthday, I think about his beginning. I think about his milestones and how hard-earned they all are. I think about his place in our family, and how we are all different because of him. We have been changed forever by the miracle of his life.

I started this blog when I wasn't sure I had much fight left in me. I talked a big game a lot of the time, and I was usually very positive, but forcing positivity out of myself is what writing does for me. And that was keeping me afloat. Treading my water. William and all his troubles came along, and...I stopped thinking about whether or not I had the fight in me. I just did it. I had to, and it saved me. I never thought a little blob of arms and legs and love would be the thing to pull me out of a dark spell, change me from a helpless waste of space into one tough b--ch. But there he is. A little miracle, beautiful all by himself, and lighting up everyone around him.

All right, anyone who loves them some birthday ushy-gushy cheese, continue. This is a song written by the Goo Goo Dolls, but I'm pretty sure they know my son somehow and what I think of him.

All that you are
by The Goo Goo Dolls

And I feel all the faint morning light
Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life.
And we've gone from the edge of our souls
Made it back to a place we call home.

You see me through
I was alone in the dark and the fear was my truth.

Yeah, all the things that you are,
Beautifully broken, alive in my heart
And know that you are everything,
Let your heart sing and tonight, we light up the stars,
All that you are.

I feel wrong
I'm so human and flawed.
I break down even though I'm still strong
And time will make fools of us all
Builds us up, and then laughs when we fall.

You're the sound of redemption,
The faith that I've lost
The answers I'm seeking no matter the cost
You opened the window
Now I can see
And you taught me forgiveness by giving your love back to me.

Oh I feel all the faint morning light
Filled with hope 'cause you're here in my life.


Happy birthday, little man. We're the lucky ones.