A nut in a rut...so what?

This year, we will celebrate 6 years of marriage.

Not that that's forever or anything, but it's enough to get you into a rut. You know what I mean. You love each other very much, and you're serious about 'til death do you part, but there comes a point you wake up and realize you haven't done anything new, exciting, or basically interesting together in a couple years.

It's cool. I was raised by good parents. I knew this would happen eventually. But I was always taught that when you reach this point, you do something new. You shake it up a little. You at least go shoe shopping together and start wearing different shoes. Or something. I don't know. Thankfully, I'm not the only one who gets to come up with the ideas.

What I was not expecting was a surprising number of people I talked to being completely okay with the idea of a rut. It's like, yeah. You're supposed to hit a rut when you've got kids, right? You just don't see each other, that's how it goes.

Okay, am I the only one out there who's like, no? No, that's not how it goes! You hit a rut, and that's okay, but for heavens' sake, you do something about it. Unless of course, you'd really like to be that couple who sees each other for the first time in 25 years when their last kid moves out, and they're like, hm. I think I remember you. But I'm pretty sure my co-worker is hotter. Yeah. I'm gonna go hit that up instead. Or, if you're better than that, you'll just glare at each other from opposite ends of the living room wondering why the other person won't just make dinner already. I don't find either option real, real attractive. So, you know, I'm like, let's shake this up.

In our married life, we have witnessed the death of at least three marriages of good friends. With each one, I just reflect...why not us? We're okay now, but if these people can fall apart, why not us? Marriages break up for different reasons. I mean, I really didn't get this before I was married. I thought stupid people cheated, worse people beat up their spouses, and everyone else just gave up and must be selfish wimps. It turns out that the breakdown of a marriage is much more subtle. One or both spouses start selfishly compromising things that ought not be compromised. Lines get fudged, then they get left behind entirely, then no one can remember where the line was in the first place, and both have a different recollection of how that went down and can't agree on where to go from there. And then, rather suddenly, someone realizes they are squashed. And they've always been squashed. And they have to breathe--NOW, or they will suffocate. It might take two years, it might take 22 or 42. But rightnow!, they have to get out.

I sort of see justifying a rut that way. Like, 'oh sure, I haven't seen my husband in a week--really seen him, but that's okay.' Or, 'we haven't had sex in two weeks, but we haven't had time.' 'We never talk about anything other than "housekeeping" stuff, like how to handle the kids and their newest nonsense or what to make for dinner, but we're both too tired to think by the end of the day.' How long is it okay to do that before someone feels hurt or unappreciated? Maybe they'll keep it to themselves, and the other thinks it's okay for even longer. How is that not compromising what ought not be compromised?

I want to be seen by my husband, and I want to see him too. I want him to feel adored. Wanted. Cared for. I get that we have kids, and that makes it tricky. But am I really too tired to kiss the back of his neck as I pass by him? Is he really too busy to quickly send off a three-sentence email in the middle of his work day: "It's snowing! Snowball fight when I get home. Love you." It's not like it takes grandiose gestures to shake things up. To me, that makes acceptance of a rut all the more unacceptable.

So yeah. As far as I'm concerned, there's no "so what?" about it. Shake it up, yo.