This is Not on My List.

Blogging is definitely not on my very long list of to-dos today. I do not care.

I just wanted to say something. I used to come home from college for Christmas break, and I entered magical territory. I got to see my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and my absolutely glittering house that I didn't have to help decorate. It was warm and cozy, and that was Christmas.

I haven't realized until now that "Christmas" was actually provided for me. I thought it was just something that was, like the season, like the snow. It falls from the sky, right? I mean, I wasn't completely ignorant; I knew the gifts came from somewhere; I knew Mom spent time on the decorations and food. But I just had no idea how much. I didn't know it was so consuming, or understand why people call the holidays "crazy" or have to tie their hands down so they don't choke or punch family members.

And now it's my job to provide it, and not go crazy or hurt anyone in the process. No wonder people forget what this holiday is. It's because you're human and you pick up a magic wand once a year, hoping it spews magic from the end of it all over your house, providing your children with warm, fuzzy memories they'll carry into adulthood and wonder why their spouses can't recreate it, making you the Master of Christmas and Motherhood. I mean, what have we done to Christmas? What have we done to ourselves?

It's going to be a long, slow process, but my goal this Christmas is to be indifferent to what my guests think of my house and my cooking and my creative and yet on-the-spot gift-giving.

It might take a few years.