Runaway

So, I ran away from home. I wanted my mommy.

When we visited Cleveland, I took a massive emotional hit. You can't just bounce back from that. It was like I was running a marathon, fell and broke my leg, someone wrapped an ace bandage around it and threw me back into the race. No way, Jose.

Ever since that happened, I've felt this deep, horrible ache deep in my chest. Anyone who's experienced contractions, picture this: those, only in your rib cage. No release. Also, to those who have experienced contractions: I bet you screamed a little. Not that wimpy high-pitched stuff. I'm talking that primitive, agonizing, groaning wail that is literally forced out of your gut by the pain--in the same way that air would forced out of your lungs if someone twice your size threw themselves on top of you. That scream has been dying to get out now for two weeks.

I said not too long ago that he's different, but he's perfect. I still mean that. But I also still mean the part that his "different" hurts. I know it's going to hurt less someday. But right now...*clutching chest*...right now I just...hurt.

And when a person hurts that much about one thing, anything else they don't like about their everyday life is just plain worse. So, I shut down. I know. Captain Obvious. You all saw it coming; I don't know why I didn't. Well, I did. I just didn't act fast enough. It's the whole thing that I see it happening, and I don't want it to be happening, so I think maybe if I ignore it it'll go away. It's SO smart. Like, why is it that I cover my eyes when I'm five years old and think if I can't see my mom, she can't see me...and I don't learn from that? Apparently I'm still five. Or stupid.

So I blew up at George because Nora kept waking up at like 2 am, and he wasn't whispering after she'd settle down, blah, blah...he blew up at me for blowing up at him...blah blah. And then it's, "what's wrong with you?" and "what do you need?" What do I need? I need to scream and cry. That is what I need. I want everyone, especially my husband, to know how much anguish my soul is suffering right now on behalf of our son. And I need the response to be, "come here, honey. Come here and cry. We'll get through this."

It's not that he won't give me that. I'm sure he's just mostly frustrated and bewildered at my behavior. Because, the truth is, there's just no time to talk about it. And in the meantime, it festers. The scream stirs and pushes around in my chest and I hold it in like vomit. So, no, he's not going to know what in God's name that's about.

I promise to tell you this in person, too, but honey, I'm totally sorry about that.

I do have some plans in place to make every day life a little better when I go home. And for those of you who are all concerned, I am going home. Monday. And as last minute as this was (I made the decision and was out the door two hours later), it was a plan devised by the two of us together. So yeah. I ran away, but not really. Anyway, I think those small things I plan to do will help, but honestly, I'm nervous. This hurt isn't just going to go away. I do hope that all I need is some time away to lick my wounds, time that doesn't involve constant observations of William's symptoms or Nora's temper tantrums (which are becoming so long and frequent, that they're like, a day-long tantrum. I think I've said it before. She will very soon fall victim to my death laser).

So, all that to say, I've got plans, and yet I don't know what to do. I can't make the pain stop.

There's hardly anything else to say, once I've said that. I can't make it go away. And there will be times I hurt so badly I have to leave the house for a few hours, or I have to excuse myself, go upstairs and sit on my bed and cry. It just is. It's a fact. The only thing I know to do is to listen to it and try not to push it away. Because the thing is, if I push, it will push back. And it will likely knock me over. I need to try not to get knocked over. It'll probably happen. But let's try to avoid it, yes?

So, I will close with this common Orthodox prayer that I hold onto so tightly today.

"O Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of the eternal Father, Thou hast said, 'Without me you can do nothing.' In faith I embrace Thy words, O Lord, and bow before Thy goodness. Help me to complete the work I am about to begin for Thine own glory: in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

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