A few weeks ago, I was swimming in an ocean of information. Doing the backstroke. Kicking my legs up, spitting like a human fountain, splashing around. This week, I'm trying not to drown in it. I must've played too hard, got my arms tired, and then I realized that I'm still in the middle of the ocean. It's kinda like...uh oh.
Lesson learned: when one is alone in the middle of the ocean with no boat or shore in sight, it is prudent for one to pace oneself. That rules out playing just because you're bored.
I told my mom this morning I'm just tired. Tired, tired, tired, all the time. I'm tired of planning for food every time we leave the house. I'm tired of having to research plans B-Z when it comes to diagnosis and subsequent treatment (because if I don't do it now, I'll do it in six months when the wait list is longer and we're looking at treatment in January 2012 instead of 2011). I'm tired of the fact that everything I do is undone the next day and has to be done again. And then done again, and again, and again. I don't look forward to anything. I used to have a rhythm in my life, but I had great things to look forward to. Now, anything I look forward to is just a relief. It's not like I look forward to anything exciting. Here's the difference. I used to be like a person taking a walk to the beach. It's long, it's tiring, some of it's uphill, but at the end...a beach! Woo! Playing, fun with friends, the sunshine, the sensation of the sand in between your toes, the smell of the water and the sunscreen, amazing. And totally worth it.
Now, I feel like I'm taking a walk to nowhere with 50 pounds of bricks on my back. Every mile or so, someone offers to carry the bricks for a while. I look forward to those breaks. But I'm still not really going anywhere. And no matter what I do, it's still that. I could have a friend with me. I could be dancing as I move forward. I might put the bricks down for an hour and go shopping. But, big picture: I'm still carrying bricks nowhere.
Maybe I'm still headed to the beach, just with bricks in tow. But I'm still totally like,"WHERE'S THE FREAKING BEACH?!"
great visual picture of depression. I have and do experience such with you! (at least you still look forward to relief...there are times when I can't find anything to look forward to) Thanks for posting and letting the rest of us know we're not alone.
ReplyDeleteGreat analogy! =) These past three months sound just like that for me, too. All there is to do is cleaning, laundry, dishes, organizing, picking up toys, researching, therapy...I don't feel like I've enjoyed my kids for months. No reading, playing at the park, etc. I'm hoping I get past this rut in the next month and can move onto another phase in our lives. Thinking about you tonight...
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