I've dedicated this year to learning.
Since my daughter was born in 2007, I have battled postpartum depression. I say battled. I've had fortunately short periods of battle, shoved between nice long stretches of perfectly normal family life. This, I attribute 100% to being medicated for three years with an antidepressant.
But this is my year of learning. Nora came in 2007; we were blessed with our son, William, in 2008, and we moved across a state border, away from my family, in 2009. This year, I will learn to accept my years of change. Unmedicated.
It's time. Aside from the fact that I'm awful at remembering to take pills, I feel like I'm not learning anything this way. I know I'm missing the proper coping skills, or have a wrong way of thinking through things (though I'm not sure what it is yet), and it needs fixed. The antidepressant definitely had its place in my recovery, so I'm not knocking it. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it saved my life in the beginning. But I have an overwhelming sense that it's time to put it down. Or, well, at least try.
So here I go, friends. I'm trying. But, unlike the five or six other attempts I've made at stopping the medication, I'm not going to sit back passively and "see if this works." I need goals, and I've set a few. I know I'll have to fight every day to reach the same goals, so if I get them all one day, I know I'm not done. I will go to bed and rise again with the same fight ahead. But I have confidence it will get easier with time. So, I've sorted them out and come up with 5. Every day, I will work to control the following:
1. Media intake: The biggest struggle I have right now is these crazy bully-thoughts that come busting into my mind, forcing my thoughts to play like a horror movie. You don't wanna know. Anyway, for now, horrible pictures involving injuries and worse, suspense and scary stuff on TV: out.
2. Exercise: I plan to go to the gym every day. The endorphins, ideally, will serve as my medication substitute for now.
3. Prayer: Has to happen every day. Quiet time spent with God, asking for His healing hand, must happen daily. His mercies are new every morning, and every morning is when I need them.
4. Communication: I have to tell my husband what's going on in my head. Bad day, good day, all of it--he needs to know. Too often, I've had a breakdown and all he can think is, "where did this come from?" I will no longer put him through this. Communication also includes reaching out to friends. I hereby commit to the removal of self-isolation in my life. A little "me time" is one thing. Avoiding and running from people is another. Especially being in a new town, surrounded by new people, I need to get together with one new friend a month, until I feel like I've made some really, really good friends.
5. Counseling: Grumble. I don't really much feel up to this, but I know I need to do it. I sort of feel like I've had enough to point me in the right direction, but nonetheless, I need to have that professional, outside perspective for a while. I'll do it. I'm looking for someone right now. The problem I'm facing currently is that I can't find anyone in the area who specializes in postpartum depression. Every counselor knows how to deal with depression, but PPD, I feel, is a different animal. I want someone who knows this bugger.
And here I go, on a year of learning. PPD, you're going down.
you're in Indy? like tauna said on facebook, Devan armstrong (my best friend) has a practice there. i don't know that she's a PPD expert but she might know someone. do you want her number?
ReplyDeletein regards to the rest of your post, ditto. i especially like #4. with my son's special needs we've lost a lot of friends. but friends (especially some close girl friends) are important to have. but i'm terrible at making them. but your idea of going out with someone new every month is good. a little lofty for me though.
speaking of medication. i'm on it too. have been for 6 years. i couldn't live without it. i admire your courage and tenacity. i know a lot of people who can live without it using a variety of techniques. not me. but i don't feel like i'm using it as a crutch. i feel like it's a gift that i even have medication as an option to better my quality of life.
my son is also on medication. he has childhood bipolar disorder. he will most likely need medication for his whole life but you never know. he needs it to keep his brain chemistry balanced. without it, he could become suicidal at worst. both my kids rely on medication for peanut allergies (epipen). my husband uses medication for occasional sleep problems. we all rely on it for something or other. for me, it's just part of life. part of being human and imperfect. like having diabetes. we all need it to keep our health at optimal level.
but i understand where you're coming from. i just hope you don't have any shame in taking medication. or even relying on it. lots of people do. there's nothing wrong with that. people with heart conditions and allergies and asthma rely on medication for these conditions, why should depression or mental health issues be any worse?
Oh, Justice, I'm 100% with you. I didn't mean to treat medication like it's something to be ashamed of, or shouldn't be used permanently in some cases. In my case, I always looked at it as a temporary catalyst for me to address some other issues. It was never going to be a permanent solution for me--not because of shame, or because I look down upon such usage, but because I knew my problem, by nature, was supposed to be temporary. And I knew that certain ways I was looking at my life as a mother were unhealthy and, well, just plain wrong. At this point in my treatment, I feel like I'm at a good place to stop. So far, it feels really, really good. It also sucks, actually. But it's manageable, in my case. I'm a big supporter of using necessary medicine. I mean, it's there for a reason, right? I needed it. I don't think I do anymore.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words. I appreciate it SO, so much. :)
I love this post. You are intelligent and motivated to recognize that meds are not the whole answer (tho sometimes necessary) but that it is a psychosocial wraparound type of thing, yes a news fast and horror flicks and xbox type murders are OUT! take care, Kathy
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