Try again

Been a couple days. Sorry.

The weekend did me good. I took a long, hot shower on Saturday morning and did a lot of thinking while I was in there. This is what I do in the shower, at least when it's a long one. I think. Out loud, unfortunately. But anyway. The important thing is that I processed the previous (extremely emotional) two days to a point that I felt good about where I was and knew what to do next.

Some of you may think I'm in denial when I say this, but I decided that my counselor was wrong in her assessment. To be fair, I don't think it's her fault. I think I answered her questions in a way that made sense to me, but could be interpreted out of context in a much, much different way. Example: Have you expressed depressive behaviors before your daughter was born? My answer: yes. Once, in college, when I was in a huge crisis with a guy I was dating, who was all wrong for me, I holed up in my room for two or three days and didn't go to class.

Now. If I were her, I would have said, okay. You have this tendency, then. What I didn't tell her were these important details:

1. I was 19 years old and had a flair for the dramatic.

2. Despite my flair for the dramatic, this was actually a pretty traumatic event in my life. I was in a very bad place emotionally during that time. I felt (and was) completely stripped bare of every element of my personality that made me me, and I had allowed myself to be an empty little shell who would do anything--anything--for her boyfriend's approval. That's a really bad place to be.

3. The only people telling me that I was in a situation I needed to get out of were my parents. And when you're 19 years old, who listens to them? (Sorry, Mom and Dad. And good job, by the way.) I was otherwise pretty much surrounded by a horribly suffocating idea of what is "godly," and that was to continue on as I was.

Additionally, I have employed coping mechanisms that are unhealthy and don't work. When I get frustrated, I throw things, punch walls, slam doors, leave the house. That's probably not the healthiest approach. In fact, I'd go so far as to answer the question, "do you think you often react in anger?" with an "um, yes." In my lifetime, I just never got around to learning how to cope with anger properly. Disclaimer: I don't hit people. Can't say I've never wanted to. And, unfortunately, I can't say I never did when I was growing up. But, in the past 15 years, I haven't hit anyone. Not even my husband. :) I just didn't want you all to think I hogtie my children and beat them silly when they make me mad or something. I'm crazy, apparently, but not that bad.

So, when I reassessed the things I said in session, the more I realized I'd been trying to hit the highlights, and skimmed over what was actually some important information. I am going to go to my next session and discuss what information I gave that I think was misleading. Personally, I think the assessment will be different.

If not, I'm starting over with someone else. If their opinion is the same, then, well...then I'll have to really consider it. I really, really hope that's not where I end up, but I'm not there yet. So, then, we'll just wait until my appointment on Thursday. In the meantime, Lent starts today, and that gives me a nice cozy feeling of spiritual safety.

That's today, anyway. And when it's a good day, I give my share of thanks!