I had my first appointment with a therapist today, albeit an emergency.
The news wasn't good, at least to me. I need some time to process it.
First, she said that she thinks I'm past postpartum depression. I'm just plain battling depression. This, I'm not so sure about. I don't feel depressed. I feel crazy in relation to my kids. Specifically.
Then, she said I'm not ready to stop my medication, and she wants to get me an appointment with their in-house psychiatrist so they can prescribe my medication all over again. So, 'ya see that woman with a cinder block just sitting on her chest? That's me. It feels all wrong. She's telling me that I have two options: medication, or what I got last night, only worse.
I was so sure there were other options, and I was so sure that I was just dealing with the same thing I was dealing with three years ago. It's like going to the doctor, absolutely sure you have a sinus infection (which you've had a million times and know just what to do about it), and it turns out you've got brain cancer. What am I supposed to do with that? I want to tell her she's wrong. I just...I don't know who's right at all.
All I've got right now is this:
"It is very sad that you are doing so poorly. Pray to God and ask Him for patience, and do not despair. Do everything for the sake of God--not for the sake of something temporal--and the Lord will never leave you and will not forget your labors. You must endure everyone and everyone's sorrows; without them, you will not enter into peace." --St. Joseph of Optina
That was the closest thing to refreshing I've heard all day.
does it really matter why your depressed? being in a stressful situation can make anyone depressed. having two young kids is stressful. and unless you plan on getting rid of them (hopefully not) you can probably plan on it not going away for a while. therapy can only do so much. no matter what your depression is caused by, fighting it off without medication is very very difficult. it probably involves lots of relaxation techniques and a lifestyle that's just not conducive to being a parent. my therapist said that if i wanted to go off medication, i would have to have a virtually no stress life. and, well, it's too late for that since i already signed up for the kid thing. maybe your depression was triggered by pregnancy. maybe it's still from pregnancy. either way, you have to find the best way to treat it. i hope you find a great therapist that you trust and has lots of help for you. but i just fear that it won't be enough.
ReplyDeletei know what it's like to feel like you want to die. or that you'd be better off dead. it's the worst feeling in the world. that's why i could never go off my medication, i'm too scared to ever feel that way again. i can't imagine having to deal with that and being home all day with kids. that has to be so hard for you. if your gut is telling you this isn't the right therapist, keep looking. it's hard to trust someone you don't know, even a professional. good luck.
you might also want to look into any side effects of ending the meds quickly. maybe there's a detox period where the symptoms are really bad but then get better after a while. i don't know. just a thought.
ReplyDelete*hug*
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