Floundering again. As is hinted in the title, I would so love to cook it and eat it and therefore no more flounder. Ugh. In the meantime...flounder, flounder, flounder.
Do I really want to go back to work?
*Smack*
That's you smacking your forehead. I know. The thing is, by the time I've put out the resumes I need, I might as well have just spent the evening working on freelance material. By the time I will have gotten a job, I could probably have been freelancing up to that point, and at that point be ready to pay for part-time childcare so I could write during the day.
Also, I was mentally assaulted by a magazine I trust and subscribe to (so angry. I wrote them and told them that running such a story was stupid on every level). I will not be specific, because I know many of you who read this blog have similar problems, so I will not assault you in the way I was assaulted. But essentially, the article spoke of a particular (although rare) emergence of a mindless mistake parents are (again, rarely) making these days...and it equals dead baby. What's awful is that I never even read the article, but just seeing it there has caused me to be out-of-my-mind anxious for several days, terrified I'm going to make this mistake and therefore kill my children. I'm just now starting to get over it. Anyway, I'm becoming (probably illogically) really, really worried that if I work, I'm more likely to make a mistake like that one, citing "too much on my mind." What if I'm in a hurry and I'm not paying attention? That happens to me enough right now, and there are hardly ever any real consequences for arriving late to wherever I'm going.
I know that last one probably isn't a good reason. I mean, how many mothers a day don't kill their children by making a stupid mistake? But right now, although it's one of the silliest, it's one of the most powerfully influential reasons in my mind.
Reason #3: I'm actually figuring out how to make the stay-at-home thing work. Especially if I get freelance moving. I have a few friends now, and therefore, lots of playdates, and lots more adult time. Maybe I can wait to go to work until the kids are in school? Certainly, the economy will be more, um, hopeful by then anyway, right?
Last one: I'm just so worried about William's development. And Nora is potty training. Between those two things, I can't even think about leaving home for any significant time.
Who knows what's gonna happen. That's where I am today.
Just so sick of the flounder. Hop on the griddle, buddy. Seriously.
Actually, it sounds like you're handling it pretty well. You're not awful-izing, you're articulating your emotions and your reasons and your concerns clearly, you have your sense of humor...
ReplyDeleteYou've made more progress than you realize methinks.
I love the smell of cooking flounder. :)
Welcome to life! :) My mother in law is always afraid of having the kids outside because of "what if?".....
ReplyDeleteI've been of the mind lately that we have been raised by parents who probably did not pay great attention to us and made mistakes, yet we are still alive and fairly ok.
Anyway, if you are getting the hang of the say at home thing, and you and G can swing it, I say stay at home!
That's my 2 Lincolns.