Didn't Know

I was an RA in college. Not a very good one. But, I did it, and one of the few things I liked about it was my team. The other RAs and my RD were wonderful, and we were all very close that year. I remember how the year started. My RD asked us to tell everyone about their summer. I burst into tears and told everyone that I'd been dumped by the guy I'd expected to marry the following year. At that point (it was a good month or two after the event), I didn't miss the guy anymore, but I was terribly lonely and hurt by everything that had happened, and I didn't know who I was anymore. I was damaged.

Halfway through that year, I was making another announcement. I was dating a guy they all knew--George. One of the other RAs, slack-faced, blurted, "Holy good idea! I...never would have put you two together, but...but oh my goodness! That's a really good idea!"

I married him three years later. That was four years ago today.

Seven years. I just have to laugh sometimes at the twists in the road that have put us..."here." I am so full of love. I love my little family. We dropped the kids at a friends' house today while we had our little dinner, and when we picked them up, Nora'd had a great time, and William was soaking and tear-stained and wailing. Apparently he'd fallen asleep in his dinner and woken up 45 minutes later, unfortunately very confused about where he was, and, well, hence all the emotion.

We walked in the door and Nora lunged for a piece of bruschetta on the counter; we said no, you can have some tomorrow. I put her down to deal with a still-emotional William. She snatched the bread and took a bite. Time out. Now they're both crying.

Oh well. We got 'em down. I took William upstairs to bed and he nestled in my arms while I read to him, and then, when I finished the normal two books, he buried his head in my shoulder and didn't budge for ten minutes. It was the most amazing thing I've experienced in a week. He just clearly felt so safe, so relaxed, so loved. It was beautiful.

I went to say goodnight to Nora. I lay down with her, sang a little song, and said my normal, "Night night, sleep tight. I love you, Little Bear. See you in the morning," and she said, eyes closed, "I'm sorry for touching the bread, mama."

They're killing me with adorableness, they are. And Nora. She's going to be such a good person, and it ruins my heart. I don't know if my heart's exploded, melted, sunk, overheated, or what. But my heart is no more, because it could no longer hold all of the goodness.

This day, four years ago, I blithely thought to myself, anything that life hands us, I don't care. I just want him. Now? I'm such a different person than I ever thought I'd be, and I'm fortunate enough that the man I love still loves me despite that. He has supported me (held all of my weight, actually, for most of it) and given me everything I never knew I wanted.

Now? Today? I think the same thing I thought four years ago: anything that life hands us, I don't care. I just want him.

Maybe...just ever so slightly less blithely. :)