It all makes sense now.
Piece #1: I hardly had a thing to talk about with B last week. Truly, I felt like anything I had been through in the past two weeks, I had absolved myself. Probably a good problem to have, but now I'm $30 poorer.
Piece #2: Crazy tired. I could have slept all day for three days.
Piece #3: Crazy emotional. Crying all the time, or feeling like crying all the time. This was unusual. Even in my most depressed state, I never quite felt like I could squeeze the tears out.
Piece #4: Crazy hungry. I ate everything.
Piece #5: Surprising weight gain. I know this comes immediately after the admission that I ate everything, but even when I've eaten that much before, I haven't gained quite that much. Also, George even now insists that, by the look of me, I could not have possibly gained that much.
PLACEBO WEEK. Duh, Maura! What else was I expecting? Lots of emotion, lots of water retention, exhaustion, and yet nothing to blame it on because my life is, well, fine. Really. I can't think of anything to complain about.
So, duh. And that leads me to another important point.
The most important piece of the puzzle is piece #1, I believe. I am a tiny bit hesitant to say it, lest the world open up and swallow me, but doesn't that mean I'm...all better?
Not all better. Something else, though I'm not sure what. Not healed, not anything like that. Because the thing is, depression is sort of like diabetes. You can get yourself out of the crisis, but you still have to take care of yourself on a daily basis in a way not everyone else has to. It doesn't mean you're healed to be out of the crisis health situation, but it does mean you can live a normal, functional life, and maybe nobody will ever know.
Lol. I can't believe I said that. No one will ever know. Yeah. That ship, friends...has sailed.
I'm suspending my celebration right now, because whenever I've announced having "beaten" this bad boy, I end up in the pit within a week. That could potentially be blamed on the way I've approached it, but I'm still, mmm, not totally confident to declare being past it all.
But it really says something that my biggest crisis in a while has been the hormonal shift every woman deals with in a four-week cycle.
It's so exhileratingly normal.
Congratulations, Maura! Feels good, doesn't it? As you said, not that it's all behind you, but you've made significant progress and that's encouraging & uplifting. I knew you could do it because you are being so proactive...that's key. Thanks for the posts & the encouragement for someone with similar issues. ;o)
ReplyDeleteYes, this can be the new normal. Or more to the point, the old normal. Claim it. Rejoice in it. The biggest mistake that people make is thinking that this must be some weird aberration and going back to the depressive thoughts. You've got some work to do, but you've got it on the ropes. Go Maura!
ReplyDeleteThanks! Thanks so much. :)
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