Today, William's therapist came over for our weekly appointment. I handed her my notes on William's progress and our concerns when she said the strangest thing to me.
You guys are just a model family.
Postpartum depression, never having showered before one such appointment, my daughter's throw-down (and very public) temper tantrums (oh, and the fact that she never made it out of her PJs today), my son possibly suffering from autism or just being bored...
Just..._________. No words. Well, other than, "huh?"
So I just laughed. Not a chuckle, or an "aw, shucks." I think it was more like a really obnoxious, "HA!"
I know why she said it. She's explained the sorts of families she works with. Many of them don't want to recognize that their child has any kind of problem at all (most of whom are way worse off than William, and look at how I'm freaking out), some watch horror flicks with their two-year-olds who try to attack people with knives, a lot of them ignore her suggestions, etc.
So, I could be a worse parent.
Eh, I don't mean it that way. I actually am almost 100% convinced these days that I'm not a bad parent. But, for those days I feel like maybe I'm not so good at this, I have two things to think about: the Friday the 13th daddy, and the words "model family."
I think what she was trying to tell me is that we want to know the truth, we want to look at things honestly, and we truly--whatever it means for us--want what's best for our kids.
I always thought that was the definition of being a functional parent. I sort of still think it is. But it was a nice moment in which I realized, when it's so easy to get wrapped up in the consuming struggle and all the things I do wrong, that I'm really, really doing my best. And by saying that, I'm actually not lying to myself just so I can sleep at night. I am really allowed to say that to myself.
Partly, I've earned it and, partly, I'm fortunate to have the resources and opportunities I do. Not everyone has the most supportive husband in the world. Not everyone was just lucky enough not to get wrapped up in the wrong crowd in high school and end up with a life-long drug addiction. And not everyone grew up in a family in which there were real and healthy boundaries. There are just some things you don't do. And I've known that as long as I can think back.
So, today, I feel like the servant who was given ten talents. Jesus, have mercy. All I want is to do my very best with them. I can only pray they end up doubled.
oh my...i know all about the mommy guilt thing. for 2 years i thought the reason my son was having problems was solely because of my parenting. when i started entertaining the idea that it might not be us, it was a whole paradigm shift. now i let myself off the hook. a lot. because i know we are the best advocates we can be. i know it's not within my power to "fix" things. and i know that we truly are doing the best we can. if ever i feel i'm slacking or not doing enough, i take a look at families around me. do they shuffle two kids to therapy appointments and specialist appointments every single week, sometimes 2-3 times a week? do they spend hours on the phone fighting insurance to cover the right kinds of treatment for their child? sometimes i get a little lazy or frustrated and don't handle things as well as i should. but i just do something to recharge myself and keep going. and it sounds like you are doing the same thing. the term "model family" is relative. a lot of early childhood therapists are used to going to low income families where they are stressed to the max working 2-3 jobs each trying to make ends meet. they don't have time to follow through on recommendations. the fact that you are trying hard to get william caught up and taking his developmental issues seriously is being a "model" mom right there. so if you slack a little here and there, don't worry about it. so what if nora has meltdowns. she's probably got a feisty spirit which in many ways is a very good thing. she'll be more likely to walk to the beat of her own drum. which means if kids try to pressure her to do something she doesn't want, she'll be the one to say, "yeah right! as if!" or whatever the equivalent slang term is then. okay, now i'm just rambling. my point is, and i feel strongly about this, that we moms have to let ourselves off the hook for sometimes being imperfect and realize what a good job we are truly doing with the large task in our hands. my God! we are raising little people! and we need to let each other off the hook too. that goes for other moms and spouses. you're doing a great job!
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