You know how they say that once you feel thirsty, you've already been dehydrated too long? Mama feels thirsty.
I'm just thirsty for a day to myself. And just like the hydration thing, I think once I start to think about it and long for it, it's already overdue. This is an issue that needs a regular plan; I just don't know exactly how to come by one. And then I stress myself out trying to come up with something, and then I give up and feel frustrated, and then I wake up at 3 am with a brilliant idea, and then I share it with George, and then he hates it or something else happens to kill it, and then I have to try again. PHLLLBBB. Boo.
A lot is going on for me right now. I'm okay, actually. George keeps telling me he's worried. I don't feel like he needs to be. I feel like I'm on top of it right now, but I am, relationally, a little shut off from my family. It's like, to keep everything in a row, I can't be distracted by silly antics (whether that's from my kids or my husband) or kisses or like...conversation. I just want everyone to do their thing so I can do mine. Hm. I just read that back. I wonder if I have "LEAVE ME THE CRAP ALONE" stamped in red on my face. I'll have to go check that in the mirror.
Nope. Just the dark circles. But I sure get why Mom used the stamp once every few years when I was a kid. Maybe I can borrow hers.
So that's settled.
Pass the lemonade.
I think we all get like that. Into a leave me the hell alone mode. I don't know that it's the healthiest way to get everything done. But it is one way to do it. I guess, I would just say, don't completely ignore it if George is worried about you. You may be on top of it, but what is the collateral damage? Also, if you have to shut the world out relationally, what are you really enjoying? It's good to get into a get things done mode, sometimes. Don't let it become who you are. I entered Taylor in a leave me the hell alone I have shit to do mode. And I did well; Academically, athletically, at work. But as Laureen will tell you, I'm sure. I was unapproachable as a person. I looked like I had a chip on my shoulder all the time. I'm not saying it wasn't necessary. It was. I never would have survived high school and the extra stuff I had then if I hadn't just shut down part of me. But I also wasn't happy. I mean I wasn't sad. But after so many years of shutting off all my bad emotions, the good ones were gone too. And so was my spark as a human being. I was lonely and miserable.
ReplyDeleteI can't say that you're heading that way. I don't want you to think that. I'm just saying, you gotta check yourself. Make sure you really are ok. And don't make it who you are. Sometimes other people can see what you're doing to yourself better than you can.