Making the Switch

Miraculously, and against all odds, I am in an awful mood. I'm tanking. Really. I know I'm knocking around depression, so it's not that surprising, but I just had a great date night with my husband two days ago. We ate at an authentic Italian restaurant. And I mean, we did it up. I'm talking drinks, appetizer, huge entree (with some of the best pesto cream sauce ever), and a sorbet truffle. You heard that right. Mango, passionfruit, and raspberry sorbet in a white chocolate shell, covered in raspberry puree and chocolate drizzle. I know, right? It doesn't get better than that. So, the funk...?

I've made a big decision this past week. I am not a stay-at-home-mom mom. I just can't do it anymore. Staying at home, this is my problem. The way I figure it, if I've got to take an antidepressant in order to be an at-home mom, well, that sends a message. A powerful one. This isn't me. I'm a career girl, and I've got to explore that. I've gone back and forth, back and forth on this forever. What it's come down to in the past is two things: I'm a freelance writer, and I like the idea of staying at home with my kids and working out of the home. Best of both worlds. Problem? It's only the best of both worlds theoretically. The way it works out, at least for me, is not good in either world. The other thing it came down to was guilt. I felt such a heavy, guilty feeling about the idea of leaving my kids in daycare during the day. I just couldn't do it. What I'm noticing, though, is that I'm trying to be someone I'm just not. I so admire stay-at-home moms. I've always wanted to be one, actually. Especially the variety that loves being at home. I always assumed that when the day came, I'd want to put it all down and stay at home. But I have never experienced that. I've been home for three years, and I have, by and large, hated it. Now, to be fair, it has its good moments. And I've capitalized on them as much as I can. But I feel like this person I've always wanted to be is just leaving me, little by little. I go on like this much longer, and I'll just be a shell. A sad, fragile, rotted shell.

I have had this heavy thing sitting on me for as long as I can remember, and that is this idea that God wants women to stay home with their babies. Working mothers are selfish. Working mothers don't care about their children (unless, of course, they need the money to eat--because those women would stay home if they could, right? They want to, right?), and they don't give them the same amount of love that at-home moms do. Working mothers miss things that at-home moms don't, and if they have the option not to miss those things, they shouldn't.

I would just like to call out, into the void, NOT FAIR! Oh. And, WRONG! I wouldn't be so suspicious if men faced this, too. But, no. Just women. Why is that? Doesn't anyone else think this is an outrage? I don't know how this is all going to work out in the end. I just know that I have suffocated myself with this idea and held myself back from harmony and happiness in my life and in my family. The bottom line is this: while trying to give my children the most love and the healthiest scenario, I have in fact sucked it out of them. I'm making myself, and everyone else, miserable.

I am done. No more.